I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
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