and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
