moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
