I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
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