It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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