too bad you live with your parents still
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
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