I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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