Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
