I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
the night ended with taco bell and tears
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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