I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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