The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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