that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
