Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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