I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
