1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Dude my mom stole all your condoms
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
The beer is more important than you right now.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Randomize
