I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
