Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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