Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
one might say we're banned from that church
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Randomize
