so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
