sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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