I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
