In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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