Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Randomize
