When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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