My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
