Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
