Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
