My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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