I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Randomize
