I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
