last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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