I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
