i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
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