he wants to bone in the snuggie
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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