Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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