Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
How would you go about getting a hold of the country star that you slept with and are now potentially pregnant with their baby...?
myspace Music?
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Randomize
