Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
