I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
