I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Randomize
