This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
