There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
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