You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
