So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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