I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Randomize
