Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
And the cops told us we were all naked.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Randomize
