how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
