I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
