Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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