can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
