I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
