I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
