i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
