I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
