Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize